My favourite film at the moment is Nappily Ever After where the lead character was living a life based upon her mother’s expectations of how to look in the corporate world, which consisted of very straightened hair and a token spouse. Eventually, the lead character breaks away from her familial constraints and work pressures to find the love she deserves and with the hair style she wants ie a Bald head (god forbid). Is the problem of not being or looking good enough for your family or parents fiction? No, this happens more often than not (especially in the black community). Family demands and expectation rule our lives consciously or unconsciously and are one of the main reasons many of us are suffering from Mental health conditions more than ever before.
The problem or ‘hold’ of family patterns is that they are entrenched deeply in guilt, and we may be conscious or unconscious of this. Many of the places where we are challenged as human beings are around the relationships that have affected our childhood.
From a young age many of were and are Empaths, however within our families we were often seen as too sensitive, we cannot blame our families for this title because they were either too busy and untrained in emotional literacy to even consider another person's needs and understand the condition of being an empath.
This does not help us though, does it?
The impact of our parent’s childhood is also embedded in our consciousness and we are still trying to work through that many years later.
Our mothers did not have time to journal, reflect and read a book that would give them insight into their suppressed rage, instead they had to shut up and keep the family together because “women did not speak their mind” In the meantime, the sensitive children internalises the rage and bitterness and anger, and cue the conditions that reflect no sweetness in life or heatbreak such as High blood pressure and Diabetes.
We deserve better but not to be bitter, we deserve healing, we also deserve boundaries to protect ourselves.
We have to do the work to heal the family patterns that are affecting your life, that is attracting Narcissists and abusive relationships or any kind be the peaceful and brave warrior you were chosen to heal this dynamic for a reason.
How to start Healing.
Despite the stigma in the black community around mental health, deep rooted family issues cannot be resolved through reading books or social media alone so this is at the top of the healing tree. One needs to enlist a trained profession to help untangle the complex family patterns, beliefs and behaviours that are present in our lives.
Other tools to help you research the type of support you need.
Listen to a Podcast - You can look up keywords on Itunes such as Family systems or Family therapy.
Reiki healing with distance symbols
Jade Egg / Yoni egg exercises to help heal any sexuality issues (best worked in conjunction with any other Therapy).